10 January 2010

Feeling Alone

Dave went back home today. That leaves Sylvia and me at my parent's house for the next couple of weeks, only seeing Dave on the weekends. This will be very, very hard for us. This is a time when I really need my husband with me and he can't be. It does not seem fair. I realize that things could always be worse, and in this case they could have been far worse, but I feel a little slighted by the universe. For whatever reason I do not bear children well. I have no idea why, and I certainly hope this has no bearing on my actual parenting. I am feeling very saddened by the entire situation.

I begged and pleaded with Dave to just take us home last night, but he told me what I already knew: That really is not an option. Sylvia and I both need constant care and I need to be close to the hospital in case an emergency should occur. I know this, but I don't want to acknowledge it. I keep thinking of ways that I could make it work at home. We could block off sections of the house. I could have food for Sylvia within easy reach and feed her while she sits on her table and I am on the couch. I could change her on the floor . . . But then I realize that these are not practical options. Someone still needs to get her in and out of her crib both first thing in the morning and at nap time. I cannot chase after her if she should get into trouble. And I know that I WILL do too much if I am at home with just the two of us. I know that I will try and clean up the messes and I know that I will end up lifting her and that I will end up preparing food and cleaning the counters and making the bed . . . I know all of this. And I know that I cannot do these things right now.

And that pains me.

I just feel so helpless. And like a bad Mama. And like a difficult wife. And like a challenging daughter.

One thing that does make me smile is the birthday gift I made my mom. I knit her a teddy bear. My mom loves bears and when she saw the one I made the Pumpkin for her birthday she informed me that she wanted one too. The one I made my mom is much larger and a far more complicated pattern. I am actually pretty proud of him, especially as the pattern was quite flawed and I had to make several corrections. I finished the night before I was admitted to the hospital and I took these pictures of him:

Isn't he cute? I especially love his rotund belly. It reminds me of Winnie the Pooh a little bit. I don't think this little guy has a name yet, but I hope my mom settles on a good one.


EllenToo said...

Valerie ~ you need to think about how good a mom you are being to Veda and how wonderful it's going to be when she gets here. Prayers are coming your way.

Stephanie said...

You are an excellent mother!!
I will try to come visit you if you want. Perhaps next Monday would be good for me, weather permitting. Let me know what you think. I can bring you some books you may not have read already. :D
Chin up! You are not a pain because your family loves you and you are lucky to have them near the hospital to care for you.

Stepher said...

Oh, poor Mama Valerie! You are a very good mother! Life has definitely dealt you some lemons. I wish there was something I could do. I think all of us feel that way. I once used a magic wand to help mom steer her car, but the magic wand failed and we would up in a snow plow pile so I've given up on magic. My second option would be hugs. Don't feel obligated to read or watch any of the stuff I brought, I'm just doing the little I can think to do for you. I noticed the frog I brought ended up in Sylvia's play things. Ah-hem, I guess I'll pretend I didn't notice ;) I'll probably be over tomorrow to play with the pumpkin, visit with you and help mom if I can. Part of me hopes baby Hondo waits a little longer so I can hang out more. It's kind of like my dream world at mom's house right now. You, Sylvia, Mom . . . yea. Sorry, this should have been an e-mail, Love you!

Andrea said...

Hang in there Valerie. You've got a lot of thoughts, prayers and love behind you. You'll make it through this. Although if anyone has cause to whine a little right now I think you do!